What to write / What to write in a sympathy card
What to write in a sympathy card
If you are here, someone you care about has lost someone, and you are worried about saying the wrong thing. That worry is a kind one. It means you care how the card lands.
A few plain words, sent, are better than perfect words never written. You cannot make it better, and nobody is asking you to. A sympathy card has one job: to tell them they are not alone, and that the person who died mattered.
Below are 58 messages to use as they are or change to fit, grouped by who has died and how well you knew them. Pick the one that sounds most like you, then add a name, and a memory if you have one.
How to write one
Say you are sorry
Start there. 'I'm so sorry' is not a cliche when it is true, and you do not need a cleverer opening. If you are lost for words, you can say that too.
Use the name of the person who died
Write 'your mum', or better still her name. Seeing the name written down tells them the person is being remembered, not quietly tidied away.
Share one memory if you have one
One small, true thing is worth more than a paragraph of sympathy: how he laughed, what she always said at the door, something they taught you. If you never met them, say what you know of them through the person you are writing to.
Offer something specific
A general offer of help leaves the asking to them. Name a thing and a day instead: a meal on the step on Tuesday, the school run this week, a walk on Sunday. Then do it.
Keep it short
Two to four sentences is enough. They will be reading a lot of cards with a tired head, and short and sincere is kinder than long and careful.
It is never too late to send
A card that arrives three weeks or three months later is still welcome, and often more so, because that is when the visitors thin out and the house goes quiet. Write 'I have been thinking of you' and send it.
Short sympathy messages
When you do not know what to say, say less. Any of these is enough with your name under it.
I'm so sorry. Thinking of you today and in the weeks ahead.
There are no right words, so I will just say this: I'm so sorry, and I'm here.
I was so sorry to hear your news. You have been on my mind ever since.
Sending you love. You don't need to write back, or do anything at all.
Thinking of you. I will keep thinking of you after the cards stop coming.
Holding you close in my thoughts. I'll be in touch next week, and the week after that.
Sympathy messages for the loss of a mother
Use her name if you knew her, or 'your mum' if that is what they called her.
I'm so sorry about your mum. She raised someone kind, and I see her in you more than you probably know.
Your mum made me feel welcome from the first time I came through the door. I'm so sorry she has gone, and I'm thinking of you all.
There is nobody like your mum, and I won't pretend there is. I'm so sorry. I'm here for the long haul, not just this week.
I was so sorry to hear about your mum. Whatever today looks like, you don't have to hold it together for me. I'll ring at the weekend.
Sympathy messages for the loss of a father
If you knew him, say one thing he was. If you did not, say what you have seen of him in them.
I'm so sorry about your dad. I never heard you talk about him without smiling, which tells me a great deal about him.
Your dad was one of the good ones: steady, funny and always pleased to see people. I'm so sorry, and I will miss him too.
Thinking of you as you say goodbye to your dad. I'm bringing dinner round on Thursday, and I'll leave it on the step if you'd rather not see anyone.
I was so sorry to hear about your dad. There is no right way to get through the next few weeks. I'll check in, and you never have to answer.
Sympathy messages for the loss of a husband, wife or partner
Stay with today. Say nothing about the future, and nothing about how they will cope.
Anyone who saw you two together knew what you had. I'm so sorry you have lost the person you chose.
I keep thinking of you. I'm so sorry. I'm coming round on Saturday with something for the freezer, and I'll only stay if you want company.
So many years together, and still not enough. I'm so sorry, and I'm here whenever you want company or quiet.
You looked after each other so well. Please let the rest of us look after you for a while now. I'll ring tomorrow.
What to write when someone has lost a child
The gentlest card of all. Very few words, no silver linings, and the child's name if you can.
I'm so, so sorry. I love you, and I'm here.
I'm heartbroken for you. I won't pretend to understand. I'm just here, for as long as you need.
Loved by all of us, and never to be forgotten. I'm so very sorry.
Nothing I can write will touch this. I'm thinking of you every hour, and I'll be at the door whenever you can face company.
What to write after the loss of a baby or a pregnancy
Treat it as the real loss it is. Nothing about next time. If the baby was named, use the name.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. Thinking of you both with so much love.
Your baby was so loved already. I'm so sorry. I'm here, whether you want to talk or sit quietly.
I don't have the right words, but I didn't want to say nothing. I'm so sorry, and I'm thinking of you.
This is a real loss, and you can grieve it for as long as it takes. I'm so sorry. I'll check in next week, and there is no need to reply.
Sympathy messages for the loss of a grandparent
Swap 'nan' for 'grandad', 'gran' or whatever name the family used.
I'm so sorry about your nan. I know how much of your childhood has her in it.
I was so sorry to hear about your grandad. From everything you've told me, he was a proper character and he thought the world of you.
Thinking of you as you say goodbye to your nan. A long life doesn't make it any easier to lose her. I'm so sorry.
So sorry about your grandad. I hope the stories keep coming for years, and that you'll tell me some of them when you're ready.
Sympathy messages for the loss of a friend
Friends grieve too, and can be overlooked. Tell them you can see it.
I'm so sorry you have lost your friend. A friendship like that is family in everything but name.
You two went back such a long way. I'm so sorry. Nobody else knew the same stories, and that is a hard thing to lose.
I know how close you were, and I'm so sorry. I'd love to hear about your friend one day, whenever you feel like talking.
Losing a friend like that leaves a real gap. I'm thinking of you, and I'm around this weekend if you want a walk or a brew.
Sympathy messages for the loss of a pet
A pet is family. Use the name, and say nothing about getting another.
I'm so sorry. All those walks, all that company. The house will feel very different, and it's all right to be heartbroken.
What a good life you gave that dog. I'm so sorry. The best ones are never with us long enough.
So sorry to hear your sad news. A pet is family, and you have lost one of yours. Thinking of you.
The welcome at the door, the spot on the sofa, the lead on its hook: I know how much you'll miss all of it. I'm so sorry.
What to write when you didn't know the person who died
For a colleague, a neighbour or a friend whose relative has died. You are writing to the living: say you are thinking of them, and change 'mum' or 'brother' to fit.
I never met your mum, but I know she mattered a great deal to you. I'm so sorry, and I'm thinking of you.
I was very sorry to hear about your father. Please don't worry about anything at work. It is all covered, and we'll be glad to see you whenever you're ready.
I only knew your sister through the way you talked about her, and it was always with such warmth. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. I didn't have the chance to meet your brother, but I can see how much he was loved. Thinking of you and your family.
What to write when you knew them well
Change 'her' or 'your dad' to fit, then add one line only you could write: where you picture them, what they used to say, what they did for you. That line is the one the family will keep.
I'm so sorry. I have been going over old memories all week and finding myself smiling, even now. I was lucky to know someone so kind, and I'll miss that kindness very much.
So much of who I am has a bit of your dad in it: things he taught me, things he said. I'm so sorry, and so glad I knew him.
I loved her too, and I'll miss her too. Thank you for sharing her with the rest of us for all these years. I'm so sorry.
I keep expecting a message, or a knock at the door. It doesn't seem real yet. I'm so sorry, and I'd like to sit and remember with you whenever you're ready.
Sympathy messages from a group or workplace
One short message from everyone, then the names. If it is from work, take work off their mind.
We were all so sorry to hear your news. You are in our thoughts, and there is nothing here that can't wait.
With deepest sympathy from all of us. Take whatever time you need. We'll keep everything ticking over until you're back.
From everyone on the street: we're so sorry. We'll keep an eye on the house and put the bins out. You look after each other.
She was one of ours, and we'll miss her badly. With love to you and the family from every one of us at the club.
Sympathy messages with faith
Only when you know the family shares the faith. If you are not sure, choose from another group.
Praying for you and your family, and trusting that she is at peace. With love and deepest sympathy.
May God hold you close in the days ahead and give you rest when you need it. We are so sorry.
You are in our prayers every evening. We give thanks for a life so full of kindness, and we grieve with you.
I'm holding you in prayer, and I'll keep doing so long after the funeral. May you feel carried by all the love around you.
What to write later on: anniversaries and the first Christmas
The cards stop after a few weeks. One that arrives months later, on a hard date, is often the one that means the most.
A year on, and I haven't forgotten. I'm thinking of you today, and of your mum.
I know this is the first Christmas without him. No need to be merry on my account. I'm thinking of you, and there's a place at ours if you want it.
I noticed the date and wanted you to know someone else is remembering too. Thinking of you today, with love.
It would have been her birthday this week. I have been thinking about her, and about you. I'll raise a cup of tea to her on the day.
What to leave out
- Anything that begins 'at least' (at least she is not suffering, at least you had him so long), because it tells them their grief ought to be smaller.
- 'Everything happens for a reason', or any other explanation: they are not looking for a reason, and there may not be one.
- 'I know how you feel', because you do not, even if you have lost someone too.
- 'They had a good innings', unless the family says it first: a long life does not make the loss a small one.
- 'Let me know if you need anything', which hands them a job: offer one specific thing on a named day instead.
- Advice of any kind, whether it is to keep busy, to stay strong or to try what helped you.
- Comparisons with a loss of your own: this card is about theirs.
- Questions about how it happened: if they want you to know, they will tell you in their own time.
Questions people ask
How long should a sympathy message be?
Two to four sentences is plenty. Say you are sorry, say something about the person who died if you can, and say you are thinking of them. A long letter can come later if you want to write one. The card only needs to show you care.
Is it too late to send a sympathy card?
No. There is no deadline. A card that comes weeks or months afterwards arrives when most of the others have stopped, and it tells them they have not been forgotten. You do not need to apologise at length: 'I have been thinking of you' is enough.
Should I mention how they died?
We would leave it out. The card is about the person and the people left behind, not the illness or the accident. After a long illness you can gently acknowledge how hard the last months have been, or how well they cared for the person. After a sudden death, saying it is a shock is enough.
What if I didn't know the person who died?
Then write to the person you do know. Say you are sorry, that you know how much their mum, dad or friend meant to them, and that you are thinking of them. You do not need a memory. If they talked about the person, you can say that you could tell how loved they were.
Is it all right to send a message or a digital card instead of a paper one?
A posted card is the traditional choice and is often kept, so if you can post one, do. A message on the day you hear is still far better than silence, and an animated card sent by WhatsApp or email can be with them while a paper one is in the post. You can do both: a few words now, and a card to follow.
How do I sign off a sympathy card?
'With love' for family and friends. 'Thinking of you' when you want something warm but simple. 'With deepest sympathy' or 'With sympathy' for someone you know less well, or from a workplace. Then just your name. Leave out 'Best wishes' and 'Kind regards', which belong to other kinds of card.